Reading old journal entries.

Hey what up, yo?

I feel melancholy right now.  I was just scanning through a couple of older journals – back when I used to write by hand, ah the good old days.  I ran across a couple of entries from March of ’04.  That was the month in which I was pregnant for a couple of days.  The night I found out about the pregnancy, I was alone at our apartment, so of course I called several loved ones, and then I sat down and wrote.  What I wrote was in the form of a letter to my supposed future child.  I think I’ll enter it here, just for posterity:

3/19/04  Hi baby.  I just found out about you – just found out that I’m pregnant.  Pregnant.  I like that word – full of possibilities – full – your dad doesn’t even know about you yet.  Your Aunt Cheryl does, grandma Linda, I’ve been trying to call Grandma and Grandpa Path, but their phone is busy.  of all times.  Usually I can get through with no problem.  But that’s the way it goes, I guess.  Whenever you want to talk to someone… 🙂 plus, it is Friday night.  So maybe there should be a Friday night that they’re busy.  O <- you’re not even this big!  Isabella Freya or…?  we have to come up with some good boy names!  We had some… I like Thomas…K bye Love Mom

3/21/04  Well.  Day 2 of knowing about you is over.  Your Aunt Cheryl  already gave me your first present – a baby smock and little hat with Pooh on them.  Yaye!  And she gave me a yoga deck.  We saw one set of your grandparents today – Jim and Linda.  They were very warm and welcoming to you.  They are very happy for us and say that this will be the best time of our lives.  I’m sure they’re right.  We talked about possibly naming you Andrew if you are a boy.  That’s the plan.  They had a beloved son named Andrew who took his own life.  Jim today said that he’d give both arms to have him back, he loves and misses him so much.  They both said they would be honored if we remembered him in that way.  So it’s a possibility.  The girl name we like is Isabella Freya, after my Grandma Path – it’s her middle name – Margaret Isabella.  Freya is Erikka’s middle name.  She’s my close friend from college…

You get the idea.  It goes on a bit more, but I feel more morose as I type, so I thought perhaps I should take a break.  I guess that’s the risk you take when you dig through old journals looking for poems and such to include in a blog.

I haven’t gotten pregnant since I found out on the 22nd of that same month that it was over.  And even though I really did accept the reality right away, a part of me is still mourning the lost possibilities.  Even now, today, I had my niece and nephew and great-nephew over, I was thinking ‘gee, I’m glad I don’t have to do all this work all the time’ I knew that taking on that attitude is just something I tell myself to do… it still makes me sad.

Not having children is such an awkward thing to share with people, too.  Maybe because we’re Americans, everyone thinks they need to tell you their ‘solution’ to the ‘problem.’ But as far as I’m concerned right now, there is no solution.  I’m not willing to go medical, and I’m not ready to adopt – although I feel myself coming around to that idea more and more.  For now, I guess I can content myself with helping to raise the teenagers at my very small high school where I know all of the kids by name.

It’s not enough, but in a way it is.  I hope that you don’t feel that I’m a cliche straight out of the musical Fame now… because I would hate it if you thought that.

Ok, it’s almost 2 a.m., I’m sort of tapped out writing.  Good night and thanks for reading. Sheila