The McManual

Blogging my little heart out in poetry and prose.

Month: August, 2010

Winter Muse

Cold cold lady – you wend your way past windows a chill thought crossing my forehead as I dream , just a hint, a mist of inspiration – could be the onset of a headache as easily as a new idea to write. Frosting my thoughts


Existentialism and Motivation

So I’m reading “The Woman in the Dunes” by Kobo Abe this week. I picked it up at the library because I wasn’t sure if a movie I had seen long ago that I remember as “Woman of the Dunes” might have been based on it. Anyway, reading this book has been very motivating for some reason.

It’s been my general understanding that existential philosophy is supposed to make people think that there is no point – that pushing on every day is tantamount to a punishment, as in the myth of Sisyphus.  I see it as otherwise.  If you know that you are going to have to do a certain amount of work in order to continue to survive, what is the sense of putting it off?

This leads me to feel more motivated for some things in my life that I have a hard time with on occasion.  I am especially referring to exercise.  When I am on the treadmill, I have a tendency to start off feeling very negative about it.  Once I have been going for a few minutes, I feel good, and I generally feel terrific right in the middle, even though that is the hardest part.

In thinking about this, I realize that when I do not look at my life as a whole, and consider all of the things that I want out of my life, I can get very negative or lazy (or both!) ‘in the moment’.  It’s when I realize that to live the life I want to live – simple really, I want to be healthy and energetic, then I am more able to simply do the daily things that need to get done.

It’s the opposite of how I would ‘think’ one would react to existentialist literature.  I guess the experience of life balances out our mental faculties with our physical realities, and maybe that’s why there’s a difference.

Anyway, keep pushing your own stone up your own hill – life is short, be in it!  Sheila

Fertility issues

I want to write sometime about our experiences with the fertility specialist. I haven’t talked about this because I haven’t been writing very much, but I’m not sure that I would have written about it anyway. It’s a very tough topic, depending on my mood.

We tried for two months, using Clomid and interuterine insemination, but we didn’t have any luck. We are taking a month off, officially, but I think we might be done. Our chances have decreased quite a bit since the first month, we were only going to do 4 months anyway, but now it feels like I just want to stop. I am not sure how Jay feels. He seems to be ok with going along with what I want, but I’m not sure that he really wouldn’t mind if we stopped. It will take more discussion.

One thing that really gave me something to think about was the fact that the Clomid worked really well last month. When I went in for my ultrasound – they check the ovaries to see if any follicles have developed, and if they have there’s a good chance that it’s a viable egg. When I went in, there were 4 eggs that were large enough to be fully developed. My nurse told me that I would need to sign something stating that I was willing to do a “fetal reduction” if it turned out that all of the eggs were fertilized through the IUI process.

I wasn’t sure about that, and asked a few questions about it. Basically, the fetal reduction is where they go in and take out the multiples, down to one or two. This is for the safety of the mother and to give the remaining fetus(es) a good chance at full development.

I was very hesitant to sign it, but I did. I said that if we did that, I would need a lot of counseling, but I was confident that I could. I wasn’t really all that confident. It wasn’t a problem because none of the eggs took, but being in that situation, of even having to think about that issue, sort of opened my eyes to what we are playing at here. I don’t want to have a fetal reduction, ever. I don’t care if there were great reasons for it. I don’t want to. So now I don’t feel comfortable taking Clomid again.

It’s probably overreacting, but it’s how I feel. To those of you out there going through infertility issues, I say good luck to you. I think I might be throwing in the towel, myself. I would really like to get feedback from people who are in similar situations or have been through it.

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